My partner is writing about his affair - should I move on?

A woman is anxious about the intimate story her boyfriend is writing about a woman he met on a dating site. Mariella Frostrup says it’s his roving eye she should be worrying about

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I have been seeing a man, more than a decade my senior, for the past five years. We both stumbled into this relationship with a serious case of emotional arrested development. We broke up briefly but then got back together and are now talking about moving in together. A few weeks ago, however, doubt crept in. I asked him if there was anything I should know about. After much deliberation, he said he was writing a story about a woman he met on a dating site while we were on our break. He assures me that he hasn’t seen her since we got back together. But I find the thought of him writing an intimate account of his relationship a potential deal-breaker. He is a man of means, and I appreciate that he has found it difficult to generate meaning in his life as he grows older. Still, why couldn’t it be fiction? I can’t help thinking I ought to leave this circus and move on.

Mariella replies I can see the temptation. His myopic self-indulgence is no advertisement for his qualities as a partner. Writing an opus about another lover doesn’t rate high on any romantic Richter scale. Whether it’s Tinder or Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, the internet has proved one thing without refute: there’s no limit to human narcissism. It seems a failure of our imagination that those of us not preoccupied with the struggle to survive spend so many hours admiring our reflections. Between the proliferation of “selfies”, mass-mailing our own witticisms or sharing superior opinions with an audience of strangers, we’re increasingly happy to be holding a spotlight to the self.

There is no denying the car-crash appeal of seeing one’s worst instincts and impulses exposed with such clarity

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